Homeless and the malnourished. What to do about them.

Before you read ANY FURTHER go back and read the introduction. What follows is satire, and most likely not very funny (unless you are a bit tipsy and had just been accosted by a bum asking for money….).

The homeless problem in the US is getting worse by the day. Even though our unemployment rates are nice and low in most places, people are going hungry. What do we do to help eleviate these issues in modern society? Is there any reason for this to be happening? Surely something can be done to help these poor people.

I think I have just the solution. Cage matches. Like Thunder Dome! Two men (or women) enter and one leaves. Either way, this is a win win for society. When people show up for food stamps, they get a date for their match. When people show up at the homeless shelter, same thing. When the fight is done, the winner now has a place to live and food for a while. Yes, I know what you are thinking, it is rather barbaric. But when you are hungry, you will be amazed at what you can eat.

In order to keep people from side stepping the process and just becoming a pan handler, we make it a capital offense. You need two other witnesses, but if some bum is hanging out near the front doors of your office begging and you and two co-workers are on your way to lunch and get accosted, smoke him right there. The meat wagon (no pun intended) will come and get him, tissue type the organs and take the good stuff while the rest goes to help feed the winners of the cage matches. And if you see some dude claiming to be a vet on the side of the road,  just clip him.

Of course there needs to be some controls on the whole thing. There need to be age restrictions, the young and the very old can not apply. If you have children, you can find work at the processing stations. Now you can buy food instead of being food. If you are old but semi litterate, you can work in the offices. Shut ins can work from home via a virtual office.

Every 21 days you either re-apply or fend for yourself. Pretty soon the situation will take care of itself. Those that were winners will need employment when the system has corrected the issue, so what do we do with them? Send them to Africa. We can have Americans running the gangs and acting as warlords now. God knows that canibalism is nothing new over there, even in todays day and age people are hacked up and eaten as sacrifices before battle by priests and warlords. And rumor has it that long pig has a flavor all its own that you never loose the taste for. Now they dont have to! Before you know it Bono and the rest of those hippy fucktards can get back to making music and stop begging for MY money. Fuckers already got my money when I bought their shitty cd. But that is another rant…. Now everyone can be productive and contribute something to society.


5 Responses to “Homeless and the malnourished. What to do about them.”

  1. Nope not offended, try again

  2. In the same veign, instead of a border fence to keep the criminal aliens out, why not a hunting season?

  3. PvtPyle… you are a modern day Johnathan Swift! However, HIS modest proposal wasn’t precluded by a disclaimer.

    Screw ’em if they can’t take a joke.


  4. Seems like a modest proposal.

  5. Damn, and friend and I came up with an idea very similar to this one in highschool. If you want to know the specifics email me at maskedhobo (at) gmail (dot) com. It is quite funny(or was at the time).

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